Lifestyle
OPINION: A lot of the toxic social media conversations around dating make it sound scarier than it has to be. Let’s change that.
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
I recently saw someone on Threads say “The dating pool is giving Lake Lanier,” and I had to laugh because it’s such a perfect encapsulation of what is happening out there in these dating streets.
I usually say the dating pool has pee and poop in it, but saying it’s giving Lake Lanier is a much funnier way to describe it. Apparently, it’s been said quite a bit across social media platforms, and I’m too lazy to dig all the way through to find out who said it first.
It doesn’t matter. Whether the dating pool is full of pee and poop or a place where dreams of love, romance, and healthy relationships go to drown, it’s all the same at the end of the day.
The dating pool in its current state is a toxic environment, if we are to believe the things that are being discussed and the way they are being discussed on social media. That toxicity is only made worse by the dopamine hits people get from going viral for saying something boneheaded on the internet about dating or anything even tangentially related to dating.
Think about the viral video of the woman who refused to go to Cheesecake Factory on a date.
While I personally think that video was a staged skit (as a lot of things on social media seem to be, sadly), it caused a lot of discussion about what is or isn’t a good first date.
First of all, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: There is absolutely nothing wrong with Cheesecake Factory. I don’t care how rich I get or how much I have in life, there are a few things I will never be too good for; chief among them are ramen noodles out of the pack and the bistro shrimp pasta platter from Cheesecake Factory. Judge me all you want, baby, because that dish goes hard in the paint, and I’mma eat it up along with a big-ass slice of cheesecake and generous helpings of their new and improved sourdough bread each and every time a Cheesecake Factory is in my immediate vicinity.
I went off on a tangent, but I do have a point.
My point is that conversations like these are low-vibrational like them plates that Coach Stormy lady served up to those women who paid all those thousands of dollars to be in her presence before clowning them for eating the food she paid to cater.
There’s a pattern here.
Why are the loudest voices on dating coming from the people with the least amount of skin in the game?
The toxicity is evenly distributed amongst all parties involved, and it’s reached a point where everyone needs to take a step back and engage in some soul-searching, some healing of past traumas, and some unlearning of horrible social constructs and patriarchal ideologies.
Monique Judge
Gerren Keith Gaynor
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Mariel Turner
Speaking specifically from my own cis-hetero dating perspective, what I see happening around me is more than a little disturbing.
There are all kinds of toxic spirits hanging around the shallow end of the dating pool, and they come from both sides. There are gold diggers; people who just want to be chosen; people carrying baggage from past relationships; people who haven’t matured emotionally or otherwise; people who are just all-around toxic in nature; time wasters; perpetrators; people with no idea what they want —
That list could go on forever, and all of those people have crowded the pool, making it impossible to swim around without bumping into one or more of them before you find a safe spot to float peacefully.
It’s as if the spirits at the bottom of the lake are trying to tell us all not to go over there.
The dating pool is Lake Lanier.
When it comes to the real Lake Lanier, every time something tragic happens there, there is a chorus of voices saying, “Why do people still keep going there? Don’t they know it’s cursed?”
Do we need to start having those same conversations about the dating pool?
Y’all know it ain’t safe, right?
I don’t want to be all doom and gloom. We’ve all seen beautiful stories of people finding their person and getting that “happy ever after” we’ve been sold since we were old enough to comprehend what that meant on any level.
Now that we are older, we’ve lived enough to know that happily ever after doesn’t always come on the wings of a fairy godmother. A lot of times, we have to kiss way too many frogs before we find our “person.”
So the smart thing is to be ever mindful of our surroundings, be intentional in our approach and make sure that approach is made with eyes so wide open that we are able to take in everything around us and assess it accordingly.
Keep your life vest on. Practice swimming before you jump out there by yourself. Make sure you are prepared to tread water for long periods of time; it may become absolutely necessary.
Above all, heal you. You won’t be able to recognize the signs of bad water if you are not trained to see it within yourself first.
There is a lot of toxicity on both sides.
Let’s clean up all the pollution and make the pool safer for everyone out there.
Monique Judge is a storyteller, content creator and writer living in Los Angeles. She is a word nerd who is a fan of the Oxford comma, spends way too much time on Twitter, and has more graphic t-shirts than you. Follow her on Twitter @thejournalista or check her out at thejournalista.com
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