The 26 most off-the-rails lines from Donald Trump’s press gaggle aboard Air Force One

Somewhere near the San Diego-Mexico border, there is a concrete bollard with Donald Trump’s signature on it. Because, why not?!

3. “There are a lot of bollards. That’s a lot of bollards. So, that’s pretty good.”

So. Many. Bollards. But only one with a Trump autograph!

4. “Yeah, we’re very happy — yeah, we’re very happy with what’s been going in FEMA. They did a fantastic job.”

5. “We’re looking at many different things. That was a news conference that was given. And we’re throwing out many different ideas to Republicans and Democrats — see where they all come out. And that was a document that you were talking — I haven’t seen that document. “

Trump was asked about a draft proposal on gun control being shopped by Attorney General Bill Barr and White House legislative affairs head Eric Ueland. Which he apparently hasn’t seen? OK!

6. “And those are ideas that we’re talking to Republicans, Democrats, everybody about. Some — some they like, some they don’t like. Just a series of concepts and ideas.”

To be clear: These “ideas” are being shopped by Trump’s attorney general and his head liaison with Congress but they have nothing to do with him! Just a series of concepts! And ideas!

7. “I think there are certain Democrats that really want to do it. And I would like to do it, and Republicans would like to do it.”

8. “And, you know, I’ve been very strong from the day you first met me on the Second Amendment.”

To summarize: Donald Trump = very strong on 2nd Amendment.

9. “So, we have a whole series of ideas and concepts that we’re going to be talking about. And some are liked, and some aren’t liked.”

Concepts. Ideas. A little of this. A little of that. You may like them. Or not.

10. “We had a very successful fundraiser. We raised a lot of money. A lot of people showed up. But we could have had many more show up had we had the room. We went to some very large and beautiful houses, and we had some beautiful fundraisers.”

Beautiful fundraisers. Those are the best kind.

11. “The one thing that everybody was consistent on is we could have quadrupled the attendance if we wanted to.”

Size matters — bigly — to this President.

12. “And we have tremendous things that we don’t have to discuss pouring into the ocean. You know, there are needles. There are other things. A lot of bad — a lot of — a lot of — it’s a terrible situation.”

Donald Trump, marine biologist

13. “I mean, if you were — if he was Cecil B. DeMille, he would have gotten — I mean, Cecil B. DeMille should be, if he ever came back from the dead, one of the greats of all time.”

Trump is, for some unknown reason, comparing Barack Obama (and his production deal with Netflix) to Cecil B. DeMille. It’s a pretty relevant cultural reference since DeMille died in 1959.

14. “So I think somebody should — if they’re going to be looking at me over nonsense, they should certainly be looking at that also.”

Let’s be clear about what Trump is saying here: Obama should be investigated because he got a book deal to write his memoir and a production deal with Netflix — both after he left the White House. Why should Obama be investigated for making totally and completely legal deals as a private citizen? Oh, Trump didn’t explain that part.

15. “I’ve written many best-sellers, that I can tell you.”

There’s no doubt that “The Art of the Deal” was a bestseller. Other than that? Er….

16. “I don’t — you know, I don’t — I can’t speak for Biden. I can’t speak — I know nothing about it. But he’s given some very strange answers, that I can tell you.”

17. “No, Jimmy Carter said it, but he was referring to Biden. And he said that he was — because Biden’s having a hard time; there’s no question about it.”

(Narrator voice) Carter was not referring to any candidate in particular.

18. “I met with somebody three days ago — 85 years old and sharp as there is in existence. You know, I’m sure you people have also. But not everybody is going to be that way.”

So wise.

19. “If they don’t do that, we may very well release them at the borders because we have no choice. We’re not going to be taking people from other countries and having them — you know, paying the cost of them in prison for 40 years.”

In which the President of the United States threatens to release captured ISIS fighters at the border unless their home nations take them back for prosecution and imprisonment.

20. “It’s got steel and concrete — and very hard concrete, very strong concrete. You know, it’s very, very — 5,000-pound concrete is a very substantial concrete.”

The border wall has “very hard concrete.” That concrete is also “very strong.” And, just to note, it also happened to be “very substantial.”

21. “Well, we’re looking at a lot of things. I know about that. I think it’s crazy. It’s been — it costs a fortune to operate it and I think it’s crazy.”

Trump was asked repeatedly whether he wanted to shut down the Guantanamo Bay prison. This was his most coherent answer. Not kidding.

22. “Go eat that chocolate cake, OK? Eat that chocolate cake.”

Trump is telling reporters to go eat their dessert. Which sounds delicious.

23. “I was a very good real estate developer.”

I hadn’t heard that!

24. “I offered to do it for $500 million and it would have been a much better job. And they wouldn’t have had to empty the building, as I said. We could have done it with people in place. It would have been a great job.”

This is the end of an extended riff by Trump on how he pitched the United Nations on rebuilding its structure — but they rejected him. “They didn’t know anything about building, although they did know about other things, which are not good,” he added about the UN. And, no, I have no idea what the second part of that sentence means either.

25. “I do like leaving tips at the hotel. You know, I like to carry a little something. I like to give tips to the hotel.”

Same.

26. “Yes. Treat me fairly.”

This feels like a good place to end.