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The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Amazon but like instead of buying the stuff in your cart the money goes to pay off your credit card.
— elise valderrama roedenbeck (@elierrama) June 29, 2018
I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT A COOLATTA IS, SHE SCREAMS AT THE GLASS SEPARATING HER AND THE DUNKIN’ DONUTS EMPLOYEES IN HER FOURTH HOUR AT THE AIRPORT
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) June 27, 2018
invented a new perfume called Smell Of Barbecue You’re Not Invited To. Just Go Home And Microwave A Hot Dog. You Don’t Have Buns But You Could Just Do That Weird Thing Where You Try To Roll It Into A Slice Of Bread
— online printer (@hellohappy_time) June 27, 2018
When I have kids I’m going to tell them ferrets are called cat snakes and they won’t learn the true name of ferrets until they are 22
— A.B. (@AlannaBennett) June 28, 2018
ME: I’m going to start really taking care of my body. Fruits, vegetables, ViTiMiNssss, I am going to FEEL good and LOOK good. No sugar. Maybe I’ll go VEGAN. YES I will be a goddess I will GLOW with HEALTH
FREE OFFICE DOUGHNUTS: bitch u thought
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) June 28, 2018
rompers: for when your life is too easy and you want a fun challenge every time you pee!
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 28, 2018
The fruits of summer are a wondrous thing. Eat an overripe nectarine over the kitchen sink while imagining it’s the heart of your worst enemy.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 27, 2018
hamilton: BDE, used irresponsibly
burr: no
lafayette: BDE
jefferson: non
hercules mulligan: BBBDE
washington: BDE
phillip: BDE before his dad got him killed
peggy: not around long enough to aquire
eliza: BDE
angelica: biggest DE of all— Tracy Boomeisha-Ann Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) June 26, 2018
Now that Blockbuster, Toys R’ Us, and GameStop are all closed I don’t know where to go after school in 2005.
— Kat Buckley (@awkwardlyours) June 26, 2018
My mom asked me if I had extra plastic bags, and as I dug into my plastic bag filled with 345 more plastic bags, I knew that this was my moment to shine.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 25, 2018
Paul Rudd has been handsome for 40 years and is somehow still like 32
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) June 27, 2018
People who knit always look like they’re doing magic and really it is probably safest to obey them.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) June 25, 2018
aries: BDE, small dick
taurus: nah
gemini: no
cancer: tender BDE
leo: hate to give them the satisfaction but yeah, BDE
virgo: weaponized BDE
libra: lowkey BDE
scorpio: tries too hard to exude BDE to have BDE
sag: BDE
cap: runs you over with BDE
aquarius: nah
pisces: dormant BDE— anna borges (@annabroges) June 26, 2018
if you consider eating two bags of popcorn and toaster waffles for dinner at 10:30 a nutritious meal plan then i am the epitome of health
— kelly (@kelllicopter) June 28, 2018
Titty sweat degrees out here. I am dying.
— Kima Jones (@kima_jones) June 25, 2018
If I was on Queer Eye:
Bobby: have u ever hung up clothes ever
Jonathan: weekly face masks aren’t a substitute for daily skincare
Karamo: this is some record breaking low self esteem
Antoni: ur veins are filled w coffee
Tan: u can’t just wear the exact same black skirt every day— fiona ? (@neonfiona) June 27, 2018
petfinder is the only good website but you should be able to search it by fluffiness level
— Alanna Okun (@alanna) June 25, 2018
I’ve met a lot of people in my life and let me tell you, we’re all a bit much.
— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) June 26, 2018
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