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Grant me the serenity to not read the comments, the courage to not read the comments, and the wisdom to not read the comments.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 26, 2018
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 25, 2018
Not respecting Beyoncé is literally a romantic dealbreaker for me, I have checked out of a date before because a guy said he she was “alright, I guess, kind of overrated”. It was so funny I didn’t even realise what my face did till he said “Shit I’ve fucked it innit”
— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) July 25, 2018
me: i have a health thing
dr: this health thing is exacerbated with stress. have you tried being not stressed?
twitter: *exists*
2018: *continues*
me: oh no— Jill Capewell (@capeybara) July 25, 2018
I threw old kale under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in yoga pants and requesting coconut water.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 25, 2018
how is august next week?!
september is basically tomorrow.
it’s already 2019.
happy new year.
— buku (@_bybuku) July 23, 2018
Got passport pictures today. The lady kept saying “I’m trying to get both your ears.” Which ruined my fantasy of the TSA guy squinting at my passport and going, “So, Ms. ‘Holmes,’ how long have you had [waggles his finger at me] the two ears?”
— Linda Holmes (@lindaholmes) July 26, 2018
me: god i’m exhausted, i’m going to sleep
my computer: great idea but first here’s two hrs of ‘cats licking ice cream’ videos you totally have to watch
me: ok good call— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) July 25, 2018
Why do sharks only get a week but impeachment is taking over a year?
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 25, 2018
If I can’t trust you like I trust my eyebrow lady, we can never be.
— Melania-Luisa (@feministmami) July 23, 2018
Who are we?
SINGLE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS
What do we want?
FOR PERISHABLE GROCERIES TO BE SOLD IN SMALLER PORTION SIZES
— Maggie Sage Hunter (@swaggie_hunter) July 23, 2018
At the grocery story I saw an 80 year old woman buy 6 bottles of wine, a pint of ice cream & a pack of bear claws. Not all heroes wear capes
— Sarah (@thetigersez) July 20, 2018
yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”
— claire (@clairedaniellem) July 22, 2018
when you don’t have enough water you get a headache
me: nah I’m good
my body: please
me: yeah no
body: drink the water for fucks sake
me (on the ground, dying): it doesn’t taste good— editor’s choice (@RenShaye) July 25, 2018
?everything I do, I do it for you? —me to my dog and no one else
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) July 25, 2018
Please do not tell me to stand up straight, I’m a tall slightly curved floor lamp and that’s all there is to it
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 24, 2018
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
— Jaime Lynne (@Jaimelynne7786) July 22, 2018
You ever rinse a spoon and that bitch rinse you right back?
— rad dad (@ohemgeeijizzed) July 21, 2018
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