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The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Hey baby are you an updated privacy policy because I’m definitely going to be ignoring you.
— erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) May 25, 2018
When everyone goes to sleep, that’s when I sneak around Los Angeles and steal all the positive energy and good vibes people are sending
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) May 22, 2018
I am always so amazed at people who do not take advantage of EVERY amenity at a boutique fitness ™ class. like WUT? I am going to try EVERY lotion EVERY shower EVERY spray. I’m going to throw a bridal shower in the locker room if I have to.
— Melissa Radzimski (@melissaradz) May 20, 2018
no one is allowed to email me ever again unless it is to offer me money
— A.B. (@AlannaBennett) May 22, 2018
(My big studio pitch)
Okay, here it is: Tilda Swinton in a rom-com. Her love interest is the darkness within us all.— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) May 21, 2018
Venn diagram of men who get upset when I accidentally say “the” before a band name & men who don’t care abt gender pronouns is a perfect circle
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) May 20, 2018
One day, you look in your cabinets and there’s no tupperware. The next day, somehow, tupperware is so plentiful, it falls out when you open the cabinet door. And you realize you have too much tupperware and you don’t know where they came from.
Adulthood: a poem
— Awesomely Luvvie (@Luvvie) May 23, 2018
Me, to myself: Okay, just be cool, don’t say anything weird
Any woman: *says something that makes me laugh*
Me, out loud: THAT’S HILARIOUS WE SHOULD BE SISTER WIVES BUT WITHOUT THE HUSBAND
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) May 22, 2018
Just watered my succulents. Many are doing well. One is dead but I keep watering it anyway.
— roxane gay (@rgay) May 20, 2018
Welcome to adulthood. You have a favorite spatula now.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 22, 2018
a weighted blanket, but for smothering my problems
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) May 22, 2018
hey sorry just gotta swing by madewell real quick to touch every item in the store then leave
— grace perry (@perryjetaime) May 24, 2018
I’ve never once spelled occasion or broccoli correctly on the first try.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) May 22, 2018
Dry shampoo makes me feel like I’m doing a good job at life for exactly one minute
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) May 23, 2018
me to baby ducks and geese: OHHHHH!!! tiny babies!! fluffy muffins!!! you small beautiful treasures!!!
me to human babies: hi there how is your family— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) May 22, 2018
does anybody know of a “no tears left to cry”-only dance party
— Estelle Tang (@waouwwaouw) May 22, 2018
I’m just a girl
Sitting in front of a computer
Holding a phone
Which is open to the same website as the computer I’m sitting in front of.
— Allison Tolman (@Allison_Tolman) May 24, 2018
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