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On Sunday, Tiger Woods won his 15th major golf championship and notched his fifth victory ever at the Masters. The win marked the first major championship Woods has earned since a highly publicized divorce and injuries derailed his career over a decade ago.
Woods picked up several detractors in that span and because he’s not inclined to stunt on them as much as I would like, here are his true thoughts after victory: narrated by Ja’han Jones.
Pensive Stare
Before we go any further, I’d like to state ― unequivocally ― that I am the greatest. I am the best thing to happen to the sport of golf ― get that in your head! I am Tiger Woods, dammit! Centuries ago, when Scots created this game, not a one of them imagined a black dude named Tiger would dominate it, but here I am! Decades ago, when Augusta National opened as a segregated country club, none of you imagined you’d be here showering me with praise, but here I am! Years ago, a lot of you threw dirt on my name and said I’d never make it back here, yet here I am! And here you are! And here we are!
Did you hear all those people outside chanting my name?! Did you see that sea of white people reaching out for me on the way here?! They love me! Everybody loves me! I am the greatest ever!
Subtle Nod
That’s right: Once again! Say it once more for the people in the back. When I was gone, y’all were hoping ― praying ― someone else would assume the throne. Phil Mickelson, Rory McIlroy, Jordan Spieth, Bubba Watson, Dustin Johnson.
″Who is the next Tiger Woods?” you would ask.
And the answer is none of them! You know how I know that? Because I’m Tiger Woods, and I’m sitting in front of you right now… again. And they are not.
Cackle
Golly, I have no clue. That really is a tough one. How do I rank any one of my 15 major victories over another? You’re really putting me on the spot here.
I’m just going to laugh hysterically so we can all bask in the surreality of my phenomenal career.
Chuckle
How many times? Five times! Five times! Five times! Five times! Five times!
Also, watch how I put my hands on my knees when I stand up. It’s because I’m a little sore after carrying this sport for over two decades! Now smile with me.
“Yeah, buddy.”
“Yeah, buddy.” Oop―be careful not to let the jacket get caught on my ring or this gold watch. Thanks.
“It fits.”
Ooh, y’all already know my size and everything. It’s like this jacket was made for me. Or was I made for the jacket? Who knows, amirite?
Anyway, watch me shoot the cuffs a little bit and play with the buttons.
Aaaaaaand now I’ll smile one time for the haters.
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